Recently, I've started suffering from insomnia.
Time suddenly feels very long, lying awake at night, listening to my heartbeat, matching the clock’s rhythm—both rapid and slow. Yet time also feels very short, closing my eyes and then suddenly it’s dawn, the long night passing in an instant.
Insomnia often brings great suffering. In the quiet of the night, faced with the silent world of darkness, people tend to be much calmer than during the day. They seem to view things more rationally. After the calm and rationality, a sad realization dawns: one often gets closer to the truth and essence of things, which for those accustomed to being ostriches, means fear and unease. At least, that's what she thought.
She thought about the past, the present, the future, about relationships, about conduct, about past immaturity, and current growth. She thought about what exists and what doesn't.
Since she couldn’t sleep anyway, she figured she might as well use the time meaningfully.
Many thoughts led nowhere, in other words, thinking about them was futile. Yet she stubbornly kept thinking, letting these thoughts intertwine until they became an inextricable mess that couldn’t be untangled by force, causing only more trouble and pain.
So, the only way was to let them be and watch from the sidelines.
Shen Xifan lay awake, listening to the ticking clock. She gave up resisting her insomnia, staring wide-eyed at the dark night, her mind whirling with thoughts.
Turning over with a sigh, it had been five consecutive days. If this continued, she felt she would go mad. The tension of the day refused to ease at night. Working in a hotel was already a high-stress job, especially as a housekeeping manager. If this continued, she feared she might die in the line of duty.
Thinking about work brought a wave of frustration: she couldn’t say she liked or disliked the job; it was enough to make a living. She had used many connections to get the job, rising to manager in three years, appearing to be a successful professional. But with success came pressure, and now, insomnia due to work.
Hugging her pillow, she groaned and half-knelt on the bed, deciding she would get some sleeping pills from the hospital on her day off tomorrow.
Finally, slipping into a half-asleep state, her mind remained oddly clear. In her dream, a familiar person with a gentle smile called to her, “Shen Xifan, why aren’t you awake yet? If you sleep any longer, you’ll turn into a little pig.”
Mumbling a response, she tried to get up, but her body felt leaden, immovable.
So be it, it’s just a dream anyway.
She had no idea how long she had slept before her mother’s call woke her. Groping for the receiver, she saw it was only a little past seven. Ready to cry, she realized she had finally fallen asleep only to be woken up again—a lousy start to the day.
As always, her mother began with her usual nagging. “Fanfan, my old friend Aunt Wang wants to introduce a young man to you. He’s a returnee, not very handsome, but he has a house, a car, and a high salary…”
Lack of sleep made her irritable, and anger flared from her feet to her head. Ignoring everything, she yelled, “To hell with returnees, greenhorns!”
Her mother was shocked. “Fanfan, are you still not awake?”
“I never slept well, okay? Mom, I’ve been having insomnia lately. I’m on the brink of death. Have Aunt Yang from the hospital get me some sleeping pills. Otherwise, your daughter will turn into a skeleton!”
Her mother sighed, “You can’t just take sleeping pills. Fanfan, why don’t you see a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) doctor? They can help regulate your body with herbal treatments. You don’t even have to do it yourself; the pharmacy can prepare it for you. Your father got better after just two doses when he had stomach issues. Or you could come back home. We have everything you need here.”
She scratched her head, considering TCM might be worth a try. It would just cost a bit of money, but she had little left besides money now that she lacked even sleep.
In the TCM internal medicine clinic, she waited a long time with no one calling her number. She could only look around in boredom.
The TCM building was quiet. Opposite the clinic was the large pharmacy, with rows of neat little compartments holding sealed herbs. Only a few people moved among them, holding prescriptions and small scales. She recalled being taken to a famous old TCM doctor by her grandmother whenever she had a cough as a child. Three doses would cure her. She remembered the doctor’s courtyard filled with sun-drying herbs, black and wrinkled. The young apprentices would measure out herbs with small scales, getting scolded if they made mistakes.
But now, with the prevalence of Western medicine, who still thought of taking TCM?
Just as she was lost in thought, a nurse appeared. Shen Xifan quickly called out, “Nurse, excuse me, where is the doctor?”
The nurse glanced at her medical record and apologized, “I’m sorry, Miss. Dr. He just went to the acupuncture room. I’ll go get him. Please wait a moment.”
As she spoke, a tall man emerged from the innermost room, supporting an old man. The nurse pointed at Shen Xifan, calling out, “Dr. He, you have a patient!”
Shen Xifan had always imagined TCM doctors to be elderly with gray hair and beards. She had never seen such a young and handsome doctor—truly very handsome, looking even better in a white coat than in a suit. She worked in a hotel, dealing with elite guests every day, and this man could score over ninety points.
Tall, with a straight nose, a firm chin, and large, expressive eyes. From afar, he looked cold, but up close, his eyes seemed to smile, exuding warmth and care.
It must be his profession, she thought, combining rigor with a touch of humanity.
Feeling regretful, she realized she had dark circles, no makeup, and was dressed casually in a shirt and jeans. If she had known, she would have dressed up to meet this handsome doctor. As her friend Xu Ya had said, encountering a handsome man was an unexpected event, so even when taking out the trash, one should be dressed impeccably.
The doctor gestured for her to sit, then asked, “What’s troubling you?”
“Insomnia. For five days straight!” she grumbled.
Unexpectedly, the doctor laughed, a deep dimple appearing on his right cheek. “Five days isn’t really insomnia, but have you always had trouble sleeping?”
After thinking for a moment, she nodded. “I suppose so. I’ve always had difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep. Lately, I just can’t sleep at all.”
He indicated the cushion. “Let me check your pulse.”
As his warm fingers touched her cold wrist, she felt a bit uneasy. Although she knew he was just doing his job, she couldn’t help but feel nervous, especially in front of such a handsome face. She prayed he wouldn’t notice her slightly elevated heartbeat.
After a while, he removed his hand, flipped open her medical record, and concluded, “You should take some TCM herbs.”
She nodded, asking, “So, from a professional TCM perspective, what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor confidently explained, “From a professional perspective—your insomnia is due to deficiency in constitution, emotional distress, hyperactivity of liver yang, excessive internal heat, and overthinking which injures the heart and spleen.”
She was stunned, mumbling, “That serious? Heart and kidney deficiency? Doctor, is there any hope for me?”
The doctor seemed a bit surprised but then smiled and explained, “You have a constitution prone to deficiency, combined with some worries, causing internal heat. Do you often feel irritable, have trouble sleeping, mouth sores, and dry mouth?”
Shen Xifan muttered, “Wow, you nailed it.”
The doctor began writing a prescription. “I’ll give you a month’s worth of herbs. Treating insomnia usually takes time, so be patient. Maintain a regular lifestyle, avoid alcohol and coffee, and—” he looked up at her, “girls shouldn’t be too competitive. Relax a bit. Try doing some yoga.”
“But isn’t there something that can help me sleep tonight? I’m desperate for sleep!”
The doctor seemed incredulous but patiently answered, “Run three laps around the hospital. If you’re exhausted, you’ll sleep just fine.”
Shen Xifan was left speechless, watching the doctor write the prescription. Suddenly, she noticed his name badge, though it was blurry. She leaned in slightly, discerning that he was an attending physician, but couldn’t make out his name. The doctor noticed and asked, puzzled, “Is there something strange about me?”
Feeling awkward, she quickly shook her head. “No, I’m just curious about the herbs you’re prescribing. What are their effects?”
He smiled and pointed to the prescription, explaining, "Huangqin clears the mind, danggui, shengdi, shaoyao, and zaoren nourish the yin and blood, gancao harmonizes the middle, douchi and zhuru disperse stagnant fire, baiziren and wuweizi, and hehuanpi calm the heart and mind."
Shen Xifan looked as if she understood but still nodded along, pretending to comprehend.
The doctor kindly added, "Take the prescription directly to the payment counter. You're having it decocted, right?" He added the words "decocted" on the prescription. "Come back at four o'clock this afternoon to pick up the first three doses."
"The first three doses? Why not all at once?"
The doctor smiled and explained, "Because Chinese medicine also has a shelf life. The efficacy diminishes after a few days."
She responded with a series of "uh-huhs," took the medical record, and left the consultation room. Outside, she realized that the prescription was signed with his name—"He Suye." She was a bit curious; why did "Suye" sound like the name of a Chinese herb?
At noon, she returned home and immediately received a call from her mother. "Fanfan, you saw the doctor? Oh, you're taking Chinese medicine? Good, good. Let me tell you something, tonight..."
Shen Xifan immediately interrupted, "I don't want to go on any blind dates, Mom, give it up!"
"It's not a blind date," her mother hurriedly explained. "It's just a family dinner. You see, you're always busy with work, forgetting your parents. We're becoming lonely old folks at home!"
Excuses! It must be an excuse to trick her into a blind date. But she felt a bit soft-hearted and reluctantly agreed, "Alright, alright, I know. But I have to pick up my medicine this afternoon."
Her mother seized the opportunity, "Good, good. See you at six o'clock in front of the Starbucks in Dayang."
That afternoon, Shen Xifan slept very soundly. She didn't know if it was due to some mystical aura in the traditional medicine building, but she slept until five o'clock. She woke up with a start, hurriedly dressed, and took a taxi to the hospital.
People were leaving the outpatient department one after another. She was the only one heading straight for the pharmacy. She saw that the pharmacy lights were half off and felt a pang of regret, inwardly crying out, "Oh no, my medicine!"
Fortunately, the window wasn't completely closed. She looked around but didn't dare to speak. Holding the receipt tightly in her hand, she hesitated whether to call out or not. Suddenly, the doctor from the morning walked out of the preparation room, saw her, and smiled, "Just waiting for you. We close at five thirty."
Shen Xifan wanted to bang her head against the medicine cabinet in apology, but seeing the doctor wasn't displeased, she felt a bit relieved. The doctor handed her a package of medicine and advised, "Take it twice a day, and come back in three days for the next batch."
He spoke with dimples appearing intermittently, looking very young!
She immediately understood, without putting on a cool demeanor, who would want to be treated by such a young-looking doctor?
Naturally, Shen Xifan was late. She carried a large bag of Chinese medicine and went out bare-faced. Seeing her, Shen's mother slapped her on the head, "I told you to come early, and you leave your old mother waiting!"
She weakly replied, "Mom, I'm a patient! You should care for me, understand me, and be lenient with me."
At the restaurant, Shen Xifan thought her mother had finally understood and no longer praised homemade food, taking her to French cuisine instead. To her surprise, soon a smiling aunt appeared!
"Why is there someone else? Is it Dad?" she asked while washing her hands.
"Your dad had something at school, so I invited an old friend who lives nearby. Oh, and her son is coming too," Shen's mother replied with an innocent smile.
Shen Xifan blinked, expressionless—what could she do?
Once seated, the aunt's son had already arrived, sitting beside her, clearing his throat while chatting animatedly with the aunt. Shen Xifan frowned, disliking people who showed off, especially when he didn't look princely but more like the white horse beside a prince.
"Have you been waiting long?" she politely asked.
He looked up, his expression changing slightly, a bit amazed. She was secretly pleased; even bare-faced, she was a beauty.
"Yes, I have to attend a banquet soon. Are you so young and already going on blind dates?" He seemed thoughtful, but she caught a faint trace of superiority or disdain in his eyes.
Shen Xifan didn't want to bother with him. What's so great about a rich bachelor? Hotels were full of them. She sulkily focused on her foie gras and cheesecake.
The "white horse" seemed surprised. Shen Xifan's elegant demeanor immediately impressed him, and he began talking endlessly, from mother-son relationships to Iran's nuclear issue, finally ending with "What do you like?"
"Work!" she feigned nonchalance. "No choice, as a hotel manager, I care for the masses!"
Instead of feeling awkward, he found a topic, "Yes, work is good. I like working too..."
Shen Xifan pretended to check her watch, "Oh, I have a night shift. You all continue eating!"
With that, she strode off.
Shen's mother was furious. She had taken a liking to this "white horse" and wanted to call Shen Xifan back, but the "white horse" leapt up and chased after her.
"Miss Shen!" the "white horse" called, "Please go out with me!"
Shen Xifan was so startled her face turned white. She shook her head, "Sorry, I don't have that plan right now!"
The "white horse" continued, "Miss Shen is beautiful, has a good job, and is very ambitious. I appreciate that the most. Women should be financially independent. I can't stand those who rely on others..."
Seeing through his intentions, she felt like spitting blood but maintained a pitiful look, "Thank you, but I’m sick!"
The "white horse" was shocked, "What illness? Is it serious?"
"Gynecological issues!" She raised the bag of Chinese medicine. "You know, in our hotel line of work, it's inevitable..."
Before she finished, the "white horse" had dashed away. Shen Xifan walked gracefully for two steps, then rushed into the restroom, laughing uncontrollably while holding onto the wall.
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